The Quotes of J.R Ewing from the Television Series Dallas

"Katherine, don't threaten me honey, you're way out of your league."


"Well Barnes, I find your philantrophy awe inspiring." (J.R. to Cliff Barnes)


J.R.: "He bit me!"
Sue Ellen: "Who?"
J.R.: "Cliff Barnes, that rodent!"
Sue Ellen: "How did he bite you?"
J.R.: "With his teeth Sue Ellen, how do you think he's gonna bite me?"
"Where the hell is that first aid kit!"


"Well I'll be damned if you can come in here any time you want and use me like some stud-service!" (J.R. to Sue Ellen)


"Boy, you're just one dumb ole cowboy, ain't you!?" (J.R. to Ray)


"Well Ray, nice little place you got yourself here!" (From J.R.' visit to jailed Ray)


"Like my daddy alway's said: if you can't get in the front door, just go around to the back."


"Well you can't cross a bridge until it's built!" (J.R Ewing on whether or not he would ever enter politics)


"Russel, there are a few things that J.R. Ewing can't afford, but patience is one of them!"


"Like my daddy alway's said, where there's a way, there's a will."


JR: "John, I want to see that will?"
John: "I can't. That would be betraying a trust."
JR: "And whatta you call cheatin' on your wife?"


"Anything worth having is worth going for- all the way."


"Trusting Barns is like trusting the cowette with the keys to the chicken coup!"


"The best news I'm ever gonna get from you is that you're out of my life forever!"(J.R. to Barnes)


"Oh Barnes, you just get dumber and dumber every day!"


"Say, why don't you have that junior plastic surgeon you married design you a new face: one without a mouth!" (J.R. to Lucy)


"Revenge is the single most satisfying feeling in the world!"


"You're becoming a pretty poor excuse for a wife." (J.R. to Cally)


"I wouldn't give you the dust off my car!"


"Ray never was comfortable eating with the family; we do use knives and forks."


"A conscience is like a boat or a car. If you feel you need one, rent it." (J.R. Ewing to his lawyer and lover, Anita Smithfield)


"You know, you and Cliff Barnes should start an oil company. You could call it "Blind and Bland"!"(J.R. to Ray)


"No I don't give a damn about your happiness!"(Ole J.R. to Pam)


" It's about time that old baracuda got his come upance." (JR to Bobby and Jock about Vaughan Leland)


"You know,Sue Ellen,I do believe you're going ninety miles an hour toward a nervous breakdown. We're going to have to do something about your ravings."


"When your holding a double barrel shotgun use both barrels."(J.R. to Sly)


"Contracts were made to be broken, honey, but a handshake is the law of God." (J.R. Ewing to the daughter of an oil business associate)


"Lots of men have tried to run roughshod over me you can visit them in the cemetery!"( JR to the Dr. who had controlling stock of Weststar)


"You're becoming a pretty poor excuse for a wife." (J.R. to Cally)


"You take another shot at my daddy, and I'm gonna knock of that nose of yours 5 inches of the center!" (J.R. to that ole drunk)


"You couldn't find any oil under the hood of my car if I gave you a golden stick to do it!" (J.R. to that ole drunk)



"Well, I took care of that Englishman [Alex]; he ain't gonna do no more business in the state of Texas!"


"The day I start living by the rules my wife set for me will be the one when Dallas Cowboys make it to the SuperBowl!"


"A marriage is like a salad: the man has to know how to keep his tomatoes on the top!"


"Never interfere with a man who's correcting his wife!" (J.R. to James)


"Never underestimate the elderly!"


"Never tell the truth when a good lie'll do!"


"I come home for love and support, and all I get is a load of crap!" (J.R. to Cally)



"All that matters is winnin'!"


"So, you just remember who you're working for, keep a civil tongue in your head, and try to answer my questions with a bit of civility!"(J.R. to an engineer)


J.R.: "Cryder, you just joined the crowd!"
Wilson Cryder: "What crowd!?"
J.R.: "The crowd of people who lived to regret crossing J.R. Ewing."


"Oh common Bob, a few dead ducks is all that there is to it!"



"Oh James, there is God after all, and right now He's smilling at all J.R.!"



"We're just celebrating some recent developments!"(J.R. at the Oil Baron's)



"The only thing that is screwed up in this office Barnes is your head, which I would be more than happy to serve on a silver platter if I weren't worried about my family getting food poisoning!"



"Well there you are. We were about to put up your furniture for an auction... not that we would get one whole hell of a lot for those garage-sale items of yours!"


"Mary Lee, if you don't hurry, someone else is gonna get your street corner!"


"That's right honey, get on the Titanic while you still can!" (J.R. to April when she was about to buy Weststar shares)


J.R.: "You are going to the funeral of a man (Tommy McKay) who tried to kill you!? Well, I'll tell you..."
Bob: "You may wanna show up to!"
J.R.: "Yea, some of my best deals were cut at funerals!"



"Look up the word cheap in a dictionary, and you'll see his picture there!" (J.R. about Cliff Barnes)



"The world is littered with the bodies of people that tried to stick it to ole J.R. Ewing!"



"By the way honey, your a little too old to be running around without your clothes on." (JR to Mary Lee)



"Honey, if you wanna hear your answer, you gotta ask the question at the right time; that's from J.R. Ewing's handbook!" (J.R. to Cally)


"Hell will freeze over before you work in these offices!" (J.R. to Cliff upon learning he is a new partner in Ewing Oil)


"Cliff, sharpen up your ice skates it's gonna be a long winter!"


"Drivers like you tempt me to mount a machine-gun to the hood of my car!"
"I'll have to call you later, a tornado just blew in!"



"That's O.K. honey, Bobby doesn't have a capacity to forgive and forget like I do. That's a shame, damn shame!"


"You should go to sleep Sue Ellen, you know how haggard you look when you don't get your full eight hours!?"


"Don't be so glum Lucy; rich folks are always happy!"



"Go to bed Sue Ellen, there's nothing uglier than a woman who can't handle her liquor!"



Fenton Washburn:"What would you like in your coffee Mr. Ewing?"
J.R.: "Bourbon!"


"First that little British tramp, then Sue Elen... Clayton, you just can't keep your zipper up, can you!" (J.R. to Clayton)



Harry McSween: "Heart attack is a serious thing. Hope Mr. Farlow pulls through!"
J.R.: "If he does, he does; if he doesn't, he dies! Never should've married my momma in the first place!"


"Don't forgive and never forget; Do unto others before they do unto you; and third and most importantly, keep your eye on your friends, because your enemies will take care of themselves!"



"I'm sure Ray will be great in the ranching business momma; he might even be able to tell one end of the horse from the other!"



"Aren't you supposed to be out there feeding cows or something!"(J.R. to Ray)



"Don't worry about her; the good Lord has ways of looking after drunks like her!"


"Always keep your friends close, but your enemies closer!"


Barnes:"We are related!"
J.R.: "We're not even the same specie Barnes!"


.JR.: "Well, last night we went to the Oil Baron's and we ran into that termite brother of yours!"
Pam: "Are you talking to me?"
J.R.: "Anyone else in here gotta termite for a brother ?"


"Well Sue Ellen, where did you spend the night, in a brewery!?"


J.R."To call Harv Smithfield. I want him to set up that test first thing in the morning!"
Bob: "But it's one o'clock in the morning!?"
J.R.: "For what we're paying him, he oughtta be sleeping on our front porch! ..."



"Sue Ellen, you're a drunk, a tramp, and an unfit mother."


Pamela: "Digger is sick, and he's in the hospital" J.R.: "You mean, he's drunk!?"


Sue Ellen, you're not a wife, you're not a mother, and you sure as hell are not a Ewing!"


"I never forget those who do me a favor, and I never forget those who don't!"
"...the dirtier, the better!"